The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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