Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
