you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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