mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
