Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
