Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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