Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
