9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
