Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
