So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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