Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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