I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
