i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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