So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
