I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
