uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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