I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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