He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I need to align my fucking chakras
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
