you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
