You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
