how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
