just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
