I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
