id be glad to
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
