Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it's like iHOP with fire
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
