I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
