I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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