I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
