I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
