I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
