Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
