Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
