I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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