Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
How does it feel to date your dad?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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