Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
