my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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