He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
