you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
