People in love make me want to vomit
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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