I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
