Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
