so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
