You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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