I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
