My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
