Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
