There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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