I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
