yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
