the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
