the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
