He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
