My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
