Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
this is an emotional support booty call
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
