my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
