for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i think my cat just said my name.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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